i used to go out without a safety pin

back then in the heavy days
when i used to be unconscious
when i was still in denial
i could at least feel the numbness
and how overwhelming it was to make the first freeing step
to become one girl with a conscience
it was a lot to bare though, i was constantly under the watch of myself and i became very controlling
and now - some time has passed - i do not know (but would appreciate to have a feeling for)
how to move freely, how to make decisions
based on my very own and inner will
and back then in the heavy days
i could at least feel the numbness
but now i believe i cannot feel anything at all
not even the obnoxious, crawling pain
that should be there at all times.